The Saturday Morning Horror Movie: All That We Destroy (2018)

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Last night the family and I went to see the King Cabbage Brass Band in concert. I’ll probably have more to say about that later, but for now I’ll say we had a blast. It was a great show. To get there we had to leave about 6:30, and we didn’t get home until almost midnight, at which point I was utterly exhausted, and was not capable of sitting down to watch a horror movie.

I had actually planned for this and watched a movie earlier in the afternoon. I got about half of this post written before it was time to go. So, I’m finishing it now, and we’re calling it the Saturday Morning Horror Movie. I guess I could call it the Friday Afternoon Horror Movie since that’s when I watched it, but let’s not make things complicated.

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There is just too darn much stuff to watch. My daughter wanted to watch Hamilton a couple of weeks ago, and the only way to stream it is to get Disney+. Apparently, the only way to get Disney+ is to bundle it with Hulu. Being the good father that I am, I ordered both, and we all enjoyed Hamilton.

Then I started to enjoy Hulu. They’ve got some good movies, and some great shows, and I decided to keep it for another month. Tonight I figured I’d see how their horror selection was and came across this film. The trailer looked intriguing, and I gave it a go.

Turns out it is part of a horror anthology series from horror stalwarts Blumhouse Pictures. Into the Dark, as the series was called, ran for two seasons with roughly one movie coming out per month. Each movie was holiday themed, grabbing whatever big holiday happened during the month it aired.

Somehow, I’d never heard of this. Like at all. Which is weird because this sort of thing is right up my alley. Like I say, there is just too darn much stuff to watch.

But now that I’ve watched this, I’m kind of glad I’d not heard of it before. There are some intriguing ideas in All That We Destroy, but none of them are explored with any real gusto.

Dr. Harris (Samantha Mathis) is a geneticist who has found a way to make perfect human clones. In her house. It is perfect timing because, as it turns out, her son Spencer (Israel Broussard) is probably a serial killer. He’d shown all sorts of signs of that growing up, but when he actually kills a human – a drifter named Ashley (Aurora Perrineu)—she’s sure of it. Instead of turning him in or getting him some kind of therapy, she clones Ashley and lets him keep killing her.

The idea is that if she observes his killings, then maybe she can figure out what makes him tick and change him. Or at the very least, killing a clone will get those instincts out of his system (for a time), enabling him to live a normal life. And whenever those instincts pop back up, he can come home and kill another clone.

That’s an interesting idea, but again the film doesn’t do much with it. It doesn’t really explore what makes him tick. The mom could turn into a great villain. It makes a certain sense that any mom would protect their son, but she just keeps churning out clones for him to kill. Even when the clones start to have memories of themselves and increasingly seem human, she just keeps making them.

The trouble is Spencer knows he’s killing a clone. That makes her not human, and he can tell the difference. It just isn’t the same killing a clone. Enter Marissa (Dora Madison), the cute, effervescent neighbor who takes a liking to Spencer even though he speaks in monotone and acts very strangely. She becomes the love interest but also a real human he might have to kill.

Spencer’s Dad (Frank Whaley) shows up at some point, but only through these very strange virtual reality phone calls with his mom. When he calls, the mom picks up these little dots she attaches to her head and gets transported to a virtual world where they both walk and talk together. There are some other odd technological moments in this film that seem to exist to show that we are living in the near future or something.

The script does nobody any favors. Madison and Perrineau give it their best, and both are quite good with what they’re given. There really is something to this story, but it’s like the filmmakers didn’t quite believe in it enough and wound up falling back on some stupid tropes.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Vengeance of the Zombies (1973)

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As it is Foreign Film February, I wanted to do a non-English language film for my Friday Night Horror flick. It has also been a long day, so I grabbed the thing closest to me, which was my Paul Naschy boxed set. There are five films in that set, and I hope to watch and review them all over the next couple of months. I love the idea of reviewing all the DVDs I own, but that is a monumental task.

Vengeance of the Zombies is an absolutely bonkers film. In the booklet that came with this set, Naschy (who wrote the film) is quoted as having probably been on hashish when he sat down at his typewriter. That definitely checks out.

It also checks out that this was a chepie exploitation flick. Technically there is a plot, but it is so haphazardly put together it is impossible to make sense of.

Someone is killing a bunch of women in London. Then someone else, a voodoo priest named Kantanka (Paul Naschy), is bringing them back to life as part of his zombie horde. Naschy also plays Krisna an East Indian mystic.

Elvire Irving (Romy) thinks Krisna is one cool cat and follows him to his big mansion out in the country. The big mansion was once the home of an evil family who were eventually murdered and hung upon the trees in the yard.

There are a lot of dream sequences where Kantanka and some other foul faced fiends attack Elvire. In one particularly groovy dream sequence, Paul Naschy plays Satan, to whom various others make sacrifices. Another sequence (which may or may not be a dream; it is difficult to tell), a lady wearing a big box painted like a man’s face dances around while Kantanka pours blood onto corpses to turn them alive. Or something.

Scotland Yard gets involved but is mostly useless.

Seriously, I just watched this film, and I’m having a hard time remembering anything about the actual plot.

There is lots of murdering. Plenty of ladies wearing sheer nightgowns. And loads of gratuitous sex.

I do love the sex scenes in these types of films. During one scene, the housekeeper is upset over something. Krisna tells her everything is going to be ok. Then he looks at her, the music starts up, and he then pulls down the covers, pulls down her top, and gropes her breasts three times. She then sits up and passionately kisses him.

In another scene, Elvire goes into a barn only to find a woman with her head nearly chopped off. Then she is attacked by a dude with a scythe. Krisna jumps in and saves the day. They then go to the house, where she tells him that he should call the cops. He brusquely says “no” to which she responds by making out with him.

I’ve been doing my seduction techniques all wrong, I guess.

The music is a wild mix of popular rock and funk. It is so crazily inappropriate for most of what’s happening on screen.

This is a ridiculously bad film in every imaginable way. But it’s also a lot of fun to watch. It is the kind of film you want to watch late at night with a group of friends while getting loaded. Check your brain at the door and get ready for ridiculousness.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Black Phone 2 (2025)

When I first began writing these Friday Night Horror columns, back in 2022, I didn’t really write full reviews of the films. They really were Friday night movies. After supper, me and the family would go upstairs to my bedroom and watch a Doctor Who episode, and then I’d write my Five Cool Things column (which was published on Fridays back then), and then I’d start watching a horror movie. But by then it was usually pretty late. Many times I’d actually fall asleep on the couch before I’d finished the movie. Even if I did make it to the end, it would be way too late for me to be able to write a full review. So usually, somewhere in the middle of the film, I’d dash off my column with promises to write my full thoughts the next morning (usually this didn’t happen.)

At some point my daughter got older and started having friends over on Friday nights (or she’d go to their house), and the Doctor Who watching kind of stopped. Then I stopped writing Five Cool Things on Fridays, and suddenly I had a lot more free time to start my weekend. Truth be told, I often watch my horror movies on Friday afternoons.

Short thoughts on movies I hadn’t even finished became full-on reviews, and here we are. I say all this to admit one thing: I can barely remember watching Black Phone (2021). When trailers started dropping for Black Phone 2, I remembered I had seen the first one, but I couldn’t remember anything about it. I was pretty sure I had written about it, so I searched my site hoping to find a review to refresh my memory. I found my Friday Night Horror column on it, but then had to face the fact that it was written at that time when I wasn’t writing full reviews. And in the case of this movie, I was so spoiler-avoidant I hardly said anything about the plot.

I started to watch it again because I wasn’t interested in the sequel, but I’ve got a stack of Blu-rays on my desk that need watching (and reviewing), so I didn’t feel like I had time. So I watched a couple of trailers and refreshed myself with the basic premise of the films and sat down with the sequel.

Black Phone 2 takes place four years after the original film. The hero of that film, Finney Black (Mason Thames), the only survivor of the Grabber’s (Ethan Hawke) reign as a serial killer, is haunted by his experience. His sister Gwen (Madeleine McGraw), who helped find Finn when he was trapped in the Grabber’s basement, is now haunted by nightmares featuring young boys being murdered at the Alpine Lake Christian Camp. When she receives a phone call from her dead mother and discovers that she once worked at Alpine Lake, she convinces Finn and her friend Ernesto (Miguel Mora) – whose brother was killed by the Grabber – to visit Alpine Lake and investigate.

They tell the camp they are interested in becoming counselors in training. The camp agrees, but by the time they arrive, a great blizzard has rolled in. Most of the staff went home to stay out of the storm, and none of the other counselors (or campers) have arrived. This leaves our heroes alone with Armondo (Demián Bichir) the camp supervisor; Mustang (Arianna Rivas), Armondo’s niece and assistant; and Barbara (Maev Beaty) and Kenneth (Graham Abbey) two employees of the camp and staunch Christians.

As someone who grew up in a conservative Christian environment and who attended a Christian summer camp for several years, I have a little complaint to make. Our heroes – two boys and a girl – arrive at this camp in the midst of a terrible storm in the middle of the night. They are greeted rather coldly and then immediately separated – boys in one cabin, Gwen in another. When Gwen asks about this arrangement, not wanting to be left alone in this strange place in the middle of a storm, she’s told by Mustang that there is a law against underage boys and girls sleeping in the same cabin. Furthermore, while Mustang would like to stay with Gwen, she also is not allowed by law because she is not a licensed counselor.

What the what? I’ve been to numerous Christian camps and retreats, and while it is true they don’t allow boys and girls to bunk in the same house as each other, it isn’t because of some law but rather because they fear the sexy. Boys and girls can’t be trusted with their lust and therefore must be separated. Even if it is in the middle of the night, in a strange place, and there is a scary snowstorm. Even if one of the boys is the girl’s brother. And almost every adult I’ve ever known in this situation would absolutely let Gwen either stay with her brother or with them. No way are they making her sleep by herself.

But I digress.

Gwen continues to have dreams. A payphone (for some reason located outside by itself, very near a frozen lake) starts ringing even though it is disconnected. Finn answers it and discovers the Grabber isn’t dead, and he’s ready for his revenge.

Armondo is suspicious these kids aren’t really the Christian camp counselor type (Gwen’s hilariously foul mouth tips him off), and soon enough they confess to him why they are really there. He remembers the mother and agrees to help.

Gwen’s nightmares were shot using Super 8 and Super 16 cameras, which give it a wonderfully gritty and old look. Unfortunately, they are mostly gore-filled jump scares that didn’t do anything for me. The rest of the film didn’t fare much better.

My (admittedly vague) memory of the first film is that it was very tense and thrilling. The sequel has none of that. They don’t attempt to add anything to the lore. They don’t try and explain how the Grabber is still alive. He’s come from hell, I guess. They do some variations on his creepy mask, which is kind of cool, but he isn’t terrifying here.

I didn’t hate the film. There are moments that are interesting. I do appreciate that they tried to go in a different direction instead of imitating the original, but they missed the goal line.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Good Boy (2025)

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The idea of a horror movie told from the perspective of a dog is a good one. It’s a great one, actually. It seems so simple you wonder why it hasn’t ever been done before. The execution of Good Boy is mostly good too. Except for a few shots, it isn’t from the dog’s POV or anything, but the camera is often set down low, from the height a dog would normally see. The dog’s owner, Todd (Shane Jensen), barely has his face on screen. If you’ve ever had a dog suddenly look out a window into darkness or bark at a door when no one was outside, then you know the feeling this movie gives you.

There isn’t a whole lot of plot to describe. Todd has some kind of disease. The kind that makes him cough up blood regularly. The film opens on him unconscious, lying on his couch with the dog Indy (a very good dog, indeed) sitting by his feet. Todd’s sister Vera (Arielle Friedman) discovers him there and calls for an ambulance.

Upon release, he moves to his dead grandfather’s old home in the woods. Vera constantly calls Todd with concerns over his health, to his increased annoyance. The house is old and creepy and possibly haunted. Indy regularly feels a dark presence there. Sometimes he sees something lurking in the shadows. Sometimes it does more than lurk. This is the type of film that will linger in a wide shot inside the house. After a long beat, something will move, or a shadow will become a creature. I found myself always looking in the backgrounds to find some new horror.

It is a mood film with jump scares.

I dug all of that. But the script has problems. Nothing is very well defined. My expectations were that Todd would be attacked in some way by the monster and Indy would triumphantly save him. I would have even accepted Todd dying early in the film and the rest of it being Indy trying to survive the monster like a Final Girl.

But Todd hardly even notices the evil presence. It might be attacking him. It might be making him sicker. Or it might be possessing him somehow. But none of that is clear. At one point I thought the monster might just be a metaphor for his illness.

Indy is more of a passive observer than a hero. It would have been incredibly obnoxious to have him barking at everything the entire movie, but he just sits there watching weird shadows appear and nightmare monsters attack without hardly even growling.

All of this makes the film fairly inert. There isn’t much forward motion to it. The plot never seems to go anywhere, but the themes—what the film is trying to say—are more muddled than clear.

I’m glad I watched it. I really do think the concept is a good one, and the execution is well done. I just wish there was more to it.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Horror Rises From the Tomb (1973)

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Paul Naschy was a Spanish writer/actor/director who is most known for a series of horror films he made where he starred as a werewolf named Count Waldemar Daninsky. The films are mostly unconnected to one another except that he plays a werewolf with the same name, but there is no continuity to be found within them. I’ve seen a couple of them and quite enjoyed the watch. So much so that I found a collection of Naschy films boxed up in a Blu-ray set and put them on my wishlist for Christmas. My lovely wife bought them for me, and I opened them up tonight to start watching.

What I failed to recognize when I put this set on my wish list was that these films are just random Paul Naschy films, not a collection of his werewolf movies. Still, in for a penny, in for a pound, so I put on the first one and hoped for the best.

According to the liner notes (and Wikipedia), Naschy was told by the producers they wanted to make a film with him, but in order to do so, they needed a script ASAP. So he popped some pills and sat down to write, pounding out the script to Horror Rises from the Grave in 36 hours.

It definitely feels like a movie whose script was written in 36 hours. There is very little story to it, and it plays like Naschy just took every horror movie he loved and blended them together. Then added copious amounts of gore effects and enough naked breasts to make Cinemax on a Saturday night blush.

Still, it is pretty fun to watch.

It begins in medieval times, where a warlock called Alaric de Marnac (Paul Naschy) and his witch companion Mabille de Lancre (Helga Line) are executed (he has his head chopped off, she is burned alive) for Satanism.

Flash forward to the present, and a group of young people, including Hugo de Marnac (also Paul Naschy) head out to Hugo’s ancestral grounds, where a psychic medium told them the bones of Alaric de Marnac are buried. They figure it will be fun to dig up an old warlock (also there might be treasure).

Naturally, they find the bones. Naturally, when they do, all hell breaks loose. But it is a strange sort of hell. This is where the rushed script becomes apparent. Eventually old Alaric de Marnac will rise from the grave, but first his severed head seems to mesmerize some local townsfolk, and then some of Hugo’s friends, where they go about killing everyone in sight. Later, some of those dead folks will rise, zombie-like, and wreak havoc. Alaric de Marnac takes a couple of our heroes as slaves, and one pretty (and scantily clothed) lady has her blood drained onto the bones of Mabille de Lancre, which brings her back to life.

The movie pretty much exists so that our villains can kill our heroes with full gruesomeness and pretty ladies can run around in sheer nightgowns taking their tops off (with echoes of the vampire films of Jean Rollin). It does do both of those things very well, so who am I to complain? There are some interesting transitions, and the gore effects are good. It is goofy and dumb, but if you like that sort of thing, this film is pretty fun.

One of the bonus features on my Blu-ray is a selection of alternate “clothed” scenes. Some theaters in Spain at the time didn’t allow nudity, so they shot those scenes twice, once without clothes once with them on. I thought that was pretty funny.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Cronos (1992)

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I find I have mixed feelings about Guillermo del Toro. He’s clearly a great visual stylist, and his apparent love of cinema imbues all of his films with a certain reverent love, but I find his stories to be hit or miss. Because of that, I’ve been putting off watching his first film, Cronos, afraid that I’d be disappointed.

I was not.

With caveats.

Cronos is basically a vampire story, though one that is different from any vampire story I’ve ever seen. It begins with a prologue where we’re informed that in the 1500s some alchemist invented a scarab-looking device that will prolong one’s life forever.

Flash to the present, and Jesús Gri (Federico Luppi) finds the scarab hidden in the bottom of a statue a strange man left in his shop. He fiddles with it, and it opens; the scarab’s legs extend, grabbing his arm, while a stinger pricks his skin. Inside the scarab, we see a living creature sucking the blood.

The next morning, Jesús feels good. And he looks younger. Also, he’s got a hankering for some blood. At a party a man has a nosebleed, and Jesús laps it up like a dog. Then he’s bumped on the head and killed. Or not killed, as he can no longer die.

The killer is Angel de la Guardia (a young Ron Pearlman). He’s the son of Dieter de la Guardia (Claudio Brook), a rich, dying man who’s been trying to find the scarab for many years. He’s got a book that tells you how to use the scarab. He wants to make a deal with Jesús so they can both live together. Or he’ll just kill Jesús and take the scarab. Either way is fine.

There is also a little girl named Aurora (Tamara Shanath) who is Jesús’ granddaughter, and Mercedes (Margarita Isabel), his wife. Del Toro tries to do a lot with them emotionally, but they feel underwritten. Especially Mercedes.

There are some of the tropes of vampire movies – Jesús feels pain at sunlight, Aurora builds him a coffin to sleep in. And some utterly wild additions – Jesús’ skin peels off revealing a blindingly white skin underneath.

It definitely feels like a first movie, but the practical effects are mostly terrific. Del Toro has always been a master of those. It is a lot of fun watching Perlman at this stage of his career, acting a bit more goofy than menacing. The whole thing is well worth your time.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde (1971)

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As I put on this film, my wife asked me if I would watch as many Hammer Horror films if she wasn’t around. She doesn’t like horror films, you see; she can’t stand the violence, the gore, and the scares. But she enjoys the Hammer films, as they are a little bit cheesy but well produced and not all that scary. I answered in the negative, as I probably would not watch as many films from the famed studio without her. Oh, I’d still watch their films, but I do have a habit of putting them on when I want to watch a horror film with her. It is either Hammer or Universal, and I’ve seen all the Universal films.

As you have probably surmised, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde is based on the novella Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. This was the third time Hammer Studios had adapted that novella. The previous two were The Ugly Duckling (1959) and The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll (1960).

As the change of title suggests, this film takes quite a few liberties with the text and throws in some strong references to Jack the Ripper and Burke & Hare (the historical grave robbers/murderers).

Dr. Henry Jekyll (Ralph Bates) has dedicated his life to creating an elixir that will cure all known illnesses. But when his friend and libertine Professor Robertson (Gerald Sim) points out that it will take him more years than he has left to create such an elixir, Jekyll becomes obsessed with finding a life-extending potion. He believes that since women live longer than men on average, the solution to his problem lies in female hormones.

He at first enlists Burke and Hare to provide him with fresh corpses from which to extract those hormones, but soon enough he’ll turn to murdering sex workers. His elixir transforms him into a woman whom he pretends is his sister named Mrs. Hyde (Martine Beswick). While Jekyll is a bit reserved, and shy (especially around women, specifically his upstairs neighbor Susan (Susan Broderick)), and dedicated to his work, Hyde is wild, sexy, passionate, and a bit mad.

There is no actual indication the elixir will prolong life, but Jekyll is obsessed with it anyway. The more hormones he extracts, the more often he changes into Hyde. The more often he changes into Hyde, the more she wants to be the dominant person. Eventually, she’ll stop needing the hormones and be able to change him at will. This then becomes a battle of wills, with each personality fighting for dominance.

There are some fascinating queer/trans readings of the films that I don’t feel qualified to comment on, but they are out there if you look for them. I’m not sure the film is all that interested in diving into gender and sexual politics, but it is quite fascinating to ponder them nonetheless. There is a rather funny scene when Jekyll first transforms into Hyde where she fondles her naked breasts with curiosity. I found the gender twist to be a fascinating change to the usual Jekyll/Hyde story. Martine Beswick is quite good as Hyde, giving the character a heightened sexuality and freedom. She’s not evil exactly (well, I mean she does quite a bit of murdering), but rather she longs to be freed from the body of Jekyll and his rather oppressed nature.

Production-wise, the film enjoys Hammer’s usual excellent set designs and costumes. Director Roy Ward Baker and cinematographer Norman Warwick make great use of fog machines, making the nighttime London streets look quite eerie and beautiful. There are some wonderful transition scenes as well, making Jekyll’s transformation into Hyde quite believable.

The romantic scenes between Jekyll and Susan feel a bit superfluous and dull (Hyde’s seduction of Susan’s brother is much more fun to watch), and its attempts to either turn Jekyll into Jack the Ripper or at least make him some sort of copycat feel a bit tacked on, but mostly I quite enjoyed this film. If you are a fan of Hammer’s Horror output or Dr. Jekyll adaptations, I highly recommend it.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Dracula Has Risen From the Grave (1968)

dracula has risen from the grave

Hammer Studios made nine Dracula films. I’ve seen all but one of them (Dracula A.D. 1972), but I’ve watched them all randomly and out of order. Which makes me get the timelines all screwed up in my head. I thought this one was the third in the series, but it is actually the fourth.

One year after the previous film (Dracula: Prince of Darkness), the village that Dracula terrorized still lives in fear. A visiting Monsignor, Ernst Mueller (Rupert Davies) berates the local priest (Ewan Hooper) for not holding mass. The priest, who has lost his faith and is found sitting drunk in a tavern, informs the Monsignor that his flock will no longer enter the church for the shadow of Castle Dracula still falls upon it.

The Monsignor grabs a giant cross, takes hold of the priest, and climbs the mountain toward the castle. The priest stops short of the castle while the Monsignor gives it a good exorcism and plants the cross at the front door. The poor, dumb priest stumbles, cuts his head, and falls onto the frozen creek where Dracula (Christopher Lee) died in the last film. The ice cracks, the priest’s blood pours into Dracula’s mouth, and we get our title for this film.

The priest becomes Dracula’s slave, and Monsignor goes home. Dracula, unable to enter his castle, vows his revenge on the Monsignor and goes after his niece Maria (Veronica Carlson). She’s very much in love with our dopey hero, Paul (Barry Andrews). He’s an atheist, which very much annoys the Monsignor.

There are a lot of boring bits in the middle of this film. That beginning is pretty great, and the finale is excellent, but between the two are lots of filler. Paul works at a bakery/inn, but he studies at night to become a doctor or something. There are scenes of him working and talking to the flirty waitress (Barbara Ewing). He visits the Monsignor and Maria’s aunt. He gets drunk, and he kisses Maria. Etc. It all seems to exist to stretch the budget and the runtime to the appropriate amount. Dracula eventually shows up, sucks the neck of the waitress, and seduces Maria. It will be up to the Monsignor and Paul to save the day. The final battle is a good one, but lord, does it take its time getting there.

It does look amazing. Hammer was always good at making wonderful sets that look completely lived in and painting spectacular backdrops, and they certainly did that here. Maria often sneaks out of her home and walks across balconies and rooftops to visit Paul, and this gives some wonderful views of the town below from above. I believe it was all set work, and it looks great.

All in all, it is another fine addition to the Hammer Horror annals. It could have been a real classic if they’d spent a little more time developing the middle section, but the beginning and ending is well worth the watching.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)

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This film has been popping up in my feeds and the like for a while now. A brief preview of some of my friends’ Letterboxd reviews noted it to be pretty dumb but enjoyable; also, there is a sequel in theaters now, and I’m trying to watch as many movies from 2025 as i can this month, so I pressed “play.”

I should have taken a nap. Or rewatched one of the Halloween movies for the umpteenth time. Or smashed my thumb with a hammer. Any of those would have been more enjoyable than this movie.

Maya (Madelaine Petsch) and her boyfriend Ryan (Froy Gutierrez) are in the midst of a cross-country drive that will end in Portland, where Maya has a job interview. Because nothing makes you more refreshed and ready for an all-important interview like being stuck in a car for days on end.

Ryan says he’s hungry, and Maya looks at the map on her phone, spies a little diner, and tells him to exit now. I submit it is possible that there are people in this world who, while in the midst of a multi-day drive across the country, simply whip out their phones when they are hungry and choose the very first restaurant they see without looking at a menu or reading reviews on Yelp, but that was my first red flag that this movie was playing it fast and loose with plot details.

The cafe is in a tiny little town in Oregon. It is far enough off the highway that they lose their cell phone signal, but big enough, apparently, to have a good signal inside of town. Except, they actually note how big the town is, and it only has, like, 350 people. Like an old-fashioned movie, everybody in the surprisingly full cafe stops what they are doing and stares at the newcomers.

They are all shocked – shocked I tell you – that she wants a vegetarian plate. They are even more shocked when they realize our heroes are celebrating their five year anniversary – but not of marriage, just dating. Apparently the citizens of this small town are very conservative. Not that any of this seems to matter to the actual plot, it’s just a chance for the film to add a little atmosphere.

Lunch over, they head to their car and find that it doesn’t start. A creepy mechanic appears out of nowhere (the film will do this a lot – hide somebody skulking around from the audience’s point of view and pretend the characters somehow wouldn’t notice a person walking right up to them and staring.) He says they’ll have to order some parts, and our heroes will have to spend the night. Luckily, there is a really nice cabin in the woods that gets “rented on the internet.”

At the cabin they sit outide and they enjoy the quiet of the woods. Then they start a little sexy time. Ryan lifts her up and takes her to…not the bedroom, but the kitchen. Because where else do you go for a little sexy time in a stranger’s house but their kitchen counters?

The doorbell interrupts their fun, and some creepy girl stands outside awkwardly. Everyone stares at each other for some ridiculously long beats, and then she asks if someone or the other is home. Ryan gives her a harsh “no” while Maya indicates she must have the wrong house. Then they stare at each other in silence for a while. It s so awkward and weird this scene. Any normal person would assume that maybe the guy who owns the place has a daughter who plays with this young girl. Any normal person would explain that they are renting the place for the night.

Girl leaves, and our heroes get their sexy time (on the couch, not the bed, because there will be a “spooky” reveal in the bedroom later). And then, oops, our heroes realize they accidentally left his asthma inhaler in the car. Because what normal people would definitely do when they are leaving their car for the night in an old auto shop miles away from where they will be spending the night with no modes of transportation is not make sure they have a life saving medical device. And it wasn’t knocked under the seat. It was sitting right there in the console.

So Ryan gets on a motorcycle that is for some reason left on the property with the keys and rides back to town. He gets the inhaler and then some food (ordering her a cheeseburger without the met – so just bread and cheese, I guess). While he’s gone, she drinks three small bottles of hard liquor and a bottle of beer.

She also calls the owner of the place because the refrigerator is out and essentially demands that he send someone that night to fix it. Despite the fact that the only thing they have to keep cool is a six pack of beer, they will be leaving in the morning. The fridge will not come into play for the rest of the movie. Not even when the evildoers start showing up and knocking on the door. It would have been an easy jump scare for our heroes to think the person at the door was a refrigerator repairman only to find out it was someone with nefarious intent. But whatever.

The creepy girl knocks on the door again while Ryan is out. Maya doesn’t open the door but is pretty freaked out by it. So what does she do in this frightened state inside a strange cabin in the woods while her boyfriend is away? She smokes a blunt, then takes a shower. That’s what everybody would do, right?

The thing is, while Maya has been alone in the cabin, we have seen the creeps staring at her from inside and outside the house. Maya plays some music on a piano, and one of them sits on a chair behind her. When she takes a shower, someone comes inside the bathroom and watches. They would surely make some noise moving around like that. Unless she’s completely oblivious, she would surely see them.

Whatever, horror movie tropes and all that. Eventually, Ryan comes home, and the creeps attack for good. More stupid decisions are made, including never calling the cops and not just high-tailing it out of there. At one point Ryan has a shotgun and the killers only have blades, but he still tells Maya to go run through the woods while he stays there. And doesn’t shoot them.

I’ve rattled on for too long. I just couldn’t believe how dumb this film was. I expect characters to make stupid decisions in horror films because otherwise the film would be over in ten minutes, but the characters in this film never make even one sensible decision.

It ends with a “To Be Continued” and while I hated this film, I kind of want to see the sequel (there will be a third one, too). Also, apparently, this is an attempt to reboot a Strangers franchise. The original The Strangers was made in 2005 and a sequel came out in 2018. I might have to watch them all as punishment for my sins.

The Friday Night Horror Movie: Five Night’s At Freddy’s 2 (2025)

five nights at freddys

My daughter is a big fan of the Five Nights at Freddy’s video games, and all their supplemental material, including the movies. Her mother took her and some friends to see the first movie on opening night in the theater. She loved it, and when it came to streaming, she made me watch it with her. I remember absolutely nothing about the movie. I gave it three stars on Letterboxd but I suspect at least half a star was due to her excitement over watching it again. Exuberance is catching.

She has been super excited over the sequel for weeks now, and she talked me into buying her and three friends tickets to it for opening night tonight. They are old enough to go to the theater alone now, so the wife and I were looking forward to a quiet night at home.

Unfortunately, one of the friends got sick, and not being ones to let good money go to waste, the wife and I drew straws to see who would take the now empty seat. I drew the short straw. You would think that if my daughter’s excitement encouraged me to enjoy the last movie while watching it by ourselves at home, then a packed theater full of excited fans would make this viewing even more enjoyable. You would be wrong. The reasons for this are twofold:

It has been a long week, and I was tired. I was in no mood to go to the theater and watch a movie I wasn’t really interested in.
Those excited fans were all teenagers.

The two boys sitting next to me (I’d put their age at 15) talked through the entire movie. I hate when people talk during movies.But then I realized my daughter’s friends were also talking through parts of the film and excitedly pointing at the screen when someone happened that they recognized from the games. I listened to the boys talk, and they two were just excited to be there, and were having a good time, So why shouldn’t I enjoy myself?

The movie isn’t good. I’ve never played the game, but I can see the appeal of wandering around an old, dark, abandoned amusement palace where animatronic robots jump out and try to kill you. But that doesn’t translate very well to the movies. Especially when the movie attempts to build things like character and story into the murdering robot movie.

Mike Schmidt (Josh Hutcherson) seems to have recovered from the events of the first movie (which happened a year ago) and more or less has his stuff together. His daughter Abby (Piper Rubio) misses the friends she made back then (and remember, her friends were actually the ghosts of five murdered children inhabiting those animatronic robots). Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail) also returns from the first movie, but she’s still haunted by the past.

The story of what happened on those five nights one year ago has become something of a legend in town. People love the stories and, in fact, are planning an anniversary party of sorts where they will all dress up as the robots and have a carnival.

There is also a science fair about to happen, and Abby is working on a robot submission (when that fails, guess what robot will come to her aid?). Apparently the school of this small town is cool enough to have an entire robotics department. It is led by a vicious and mean teacher (played to perfection by Wayne Knight) who will surely get his comeuppance.

Matthew Lillard returns in flashbacks and Skeet Ulrich shows up at one point making it a mini-Scream reunion.

Yada, yada, yada, there is some lore building (and no doubt plenty of references to the games I haven’t played). Abby is getting a spirit called from some other dead girl who needs her to come to the original Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza to help the animatronic robots flee the restaurant and wreak havoc on the town.

There are a few decent jump scares, and the scenes in the pizzeria have a certain eeriness to them, but mostly the film is just dumb. I suspect a lot of that is the translation from game to screen. Things that work well when you are playing a game are pretty idiotic when watching it happen in a movie.

For example, the original Freddy’s has some kind of fake river flowing through it. It is maybe three feet deep, and the walls surrounding it go up another foot or two. It would not be a difficult thing to climb out of. Twice characters fall into it and can’t get out of it. Another time a character has to log into a computer and try and shut down the Wi-Fi signal (which is what controls the robots). We see a lot of screenshots with him clicking through boxes. Both of these things seem very much like something you’d deal with effectively in a game, but on screen…boring.

But the girls had fun, and sometimes that’s all that matters.