Awesome ’80s in April: The French Lieutenant’s Woman (1981)

the french lieutenants woman movie poster

The opening scene of The French Lieutenant’s Woman has Meryl Streep dressed in period garb standing on the street of an old village near a great bay. The shot is from far away so the details are difficult to see. A makeup woman touches up Meryl’s face and someone snaps a clapperboard.

Thinking this was supposed to be a period movie I turned to my wife and asked if I had maybe accidentally pressed play on a behind-the-scenes featurette. She hit the menu key on the remote control, but no, I had played the correct thing. This was the movie.

Streep is playing Anna, an actress who is starring in a movie called The French Lieutenant’s Woman. In that film, she plays Sara Woodruff a fallen woman in Victorian times who had an affair with a French Lieutenant and was left by him without marrying her. Anna is having an on-set affair with Mike (Jeremy Irons) who plays Charles Smithson in the movie-within-a-movie. In that movie, he falls in love with Anna.

If that wasn’t confusing enough the movie (I mean the one I watched not the movie-within-a-movie) presents both of these stories – Mike and Anna two actors making The French Lieutenant’s Woman – and Sara and Charles existing within The French Lieutenant’s Woman’s story – as real. Or at least they are filmed realistically. When we are watching the events of the story-within-the-story we don’t catch glimpses of cameramen, the actors never flub a line, etc.

But the film does play with the two timelines. At one point Anna and Mike are rehearsing a scene for their movie. They are dressed in street clothes and are inside a modern house. They go over the scene a couple of times and then suddenly we are transformed into the older storyline – Sara and Charles live out the scene we just watched Mike and Anna rehearse. This type of thing happens several times where one event is doubled in the other timeline.

Based on a book by John Fowles the movie completely makes up the Anna and Mike story. Apparently (for I haven’t read it) the book offers multiple endings and includes a narrator who often intervenes with a personality of his own. The modern story is then the film’s attempt at making that bit of metafiction work cinematically.

It worked for me. Though it took me a little bit to figure out exactly what was happening, once I got into the groove I found it to be a fascinating way to make a film. I enjoyed both stories and the way the enveloped each other.

Both are love stories with the two characters falling for each other though in both cases their love is socially unacceptable (Charles is engaged to another woman and Sara is disgraced/both Anna and Mike are married to other people). The differences in social norms for their time periods make their stories go in different directions and conclude in ways you might not expect.

Streep and Irons are wonderful as you would expect. I could watch Meryl Streep’s face all day long and never grow tired. After watching the film I immediately took the book off my shelf and put it in my “to read” stack.

Awesome ’80s In April: Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)

desperately seeking susan movie poster

I feel like I’m going to spend the first few paragraphs of every review I write for this Awesome ’80s in April segment discussing the various memories I have associated with each film. I really had no idea these movies would bring back such memories, but here we are.

If you didn’t live through the 1980s it is hard to explain just how big of a star Madonna was. She was everywhere. She had a ton of radio hits that were in constant rotation on the airwaves. She made great videos that were repeatedly playing on MTV. She was on magazine covers and on talk shows. Madonna and Michael Jackson were the 1980s.

Desperately Seeking Susan was her first film role. She’s basically playing herself. Or at least the public persona she was presenting at the time. She’s the Susan of the title, a free spirit, punk rock sort of girl. We first meet her at a hotel where she’s just spent a free night of spirit-making with a mobster. Right after she leaves some other mobsters throw that guy out the window. Thinking she might be a testifying witness, mobster Wayne (Will Patton) spends the film looking for her to rub her out.

But first, we meet Roberta Glass (Roseanna Arquette) a bored, middle-class housewife who spends her days getting her hair done and reading the personal ads. She’s intrigued by one that says “Desperately Seeking Susan” and lists a time and a place to meet. She’s seen similar ads before and figures Susan and the desperate guy must meet regularly via the personals.

She thinks that’s romantic and decides to go to Battery Park and spy on the lovebirds. Through a series of rather silly events Roberta is mistaken for Susan and due to a bout of amnesia she winds up thinking she’s Susan too.

She meets a nice guy, Dez (Aidan Quinn) and they get into a series of adventures together. Meanwhile, the real Susan is looking for Roberta because she’s got the key to the storage locker where she’s got all her stuff. (The key was accidentally left in her jacket pocket which she sold to a thrift store and Roberta purchased after Roberta followed Susan around the city – I told you things got silly).

The plot isn’t really the point of this movie. It is something like a modern take on the classic screwball comedy. It wanders around some cool old sections of New York City and meets some wonderful characters (played by a who’s who of just getting their start New York actors including Laurie Metcalf, Stephen Wright, Jon Turturro, and Giancarlo Esposito).

Madonna is great in it. She really does seem to be playing herself, or to put it another way, this role feels like it was made specifically for her (though it wasn’t she had to beat out such wonderful actors as Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon, and Jennifer Jason Leigh. Her wardrobe is full of that classic early ’80s New York City style that Madonna was famous for.

Arquette is great as well. It is really her movie and it follows her character as she changes from this bored housewife who is just going through the motions to someone finding her own sense of style and self. Madonna gets lauded for having her own unique sense of self, but Arquette holds her own. She’s such a unique performer.

Desperately Seeking Susan is another film that I’ve known about since it came out. It has been on my list of things to watch for ages, but for whatever reason, I never got around to it. The film is really fun, silly, and full of style. It is a time capsule of New York City as well and works as a perfect embodiment of the 1980s.

Awesome ’80s in April: Dead Calm (1989)

dead calm movie poster

When I was a young teen, probably sometime in the late 1980s my mother’s friend Beverly had a satellite dish and all of the premium cable channels like HBO and Showtime. We only had basic cable at the time so I was in awe of all the movies she had access to. She was kind enough to allow me to send her requests of films I was interested in watching and she’d record them for me onto VHS tapes. I used to scour the TV Guide looking for movies for her to record.

When I got older and was living on my own I used to set the VCR to record old movies off of TCM and other cable channels. I had quite a collection of films dubbed off onto VHS tapes.

One film in that collection was Dead Calm. Unlike Firestarter this was a film I didn’t really know much about. Nicole Kidman was not yet a star and I didn’t know who Sam Neill or Billy Zane was. It is an Australian film and I don’t remember how much publicity it received in the USA. But at some point, I must have seen a trailer or read a synopsis and decided it sounded interesting. Thus I recorded it onto VHS tape.

But I never did watch it. It sat in that collection of tapes for years and years. When I’d go looking for something to watch I would see it, think to myself “I should watch that sometime” and then skip right past it. Many years later I got a digital copy of the film and yet I continued to put off watching it. One of the things I’m loving about this Awesome ’80s series is that I’m finally getting around to watching those sorts of films.

I should have watched this one much sooner as it is pretty terrific.

Kidman and Neill play Rae and John Ingram, a married couple who recently lost their only son in a terrible accident. They have taken off in their sailboat to sail the Pacific Ocean and forget about their troubles.

One day they spy a schooner that seems to be in some distress. They hail it to no accord. Before they can make their way over to see what the trouble is they see a man, Hughie (Zane) furiously rowing toward them in a dinghy.

He says that his boat is slowly sinking and that all the other crew is dead of food poisoning. But something seems off about him. When John indicates he’d like to sail over and check out the boat, Hughie becomes very agitated. He generally seems over-excited and behaves somewhat erratically.

When he finally crashes and falls asleep, John takes the dinghy over to the boat to investigate. What he finds is disturbing. But before he can come back to his boat, Hughie has knocked Rae unconscious and taken control of the boat.

The film becomes a tight thriller with Rae trying to escape from Hughie and John trying to survive the sinking boat long enough to be rescued. I loved the gender reversal of that. Typically in movies like this, the woman would be trapped helplessly by the villain and the male hero would rush in to rescue her. But here John must be saved by his wife after she subdues the villain.

Director Phillip Noyce keeps things moving briskly and the tension held tightly. The two boats, thousands of miles from anything but the ocean create a wonderful setting where the characters must survive on their own cunning and wits.

This was Kidman’s breakthrough role and she’s terrific. She gives her character confidence rarely seen from female characters in this type of movie, but she never loses her femininity. Sam Neill is great as well. He spends a great deal of the film alone on that sinking ship and he allows his character the fear that comes from such a situation but also a determination to survive. I’m not a huge Billy Zane fan and he doesn’t quite have enough crazy menace here, but he’s still effective.

I’m surprised this film hasn’t received more love. I’m really glad I finally decided to watch it.

Awesome ’80s In April: Firestarter (1984)

firestarter poster

One of my aims for this series is to watch films that I knew about as a kid during the 1980s but for whatever reason have never bothered to watch. All kinds of films were floating around the cultural ether – films that I’d seen trailers for or seen on Siskel & Ebert, or that my friends were talking about, but that didn’t appeal to me for some reason. Or that I just never wound up seeing. As an adult, a lot of these films have some kind of appeal, but not enough to usually make me sit down and watch them.

Firestarter is a good example of this. It starred Drew Barrymore, who was the biggest child star at the time. I was actually too young to watch the film when it came out in 1984, but she had something of a career resurgence in the 1990s by taking on more mature (and sometimes scandalous) movies like Poison Ivy (1992), The Amy Fisher Story (1993), and Boys on the Side (1995). I was a fan of the actress as a teenager and though Firestarter was a few years old at that point it was still very much part of the culture. It was often shown on cable television and the video stores still had copies of it on their shelves.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Firestarter was part of my cinematic memory, even though I never did watch it. It is that kind of thing that fascinates me and those are the types of movies I’ll be trying to watch this month.

The film is based on the Stephen King novel of the same name and follows one of his more regular themes – that of people with psychic ability and the secret government agencies that want to exploit it.

Barrymore plays Charlie a girl with pyrokinetic powers. She and her father Andrew (David Keith) are on the run from those secret government agents. Years before Andrew and his wife were given experimental drugs by that agency which gave her the ability to read minds and him the ability to control them. The agency killed his wife and kidnapped Charlie. He got her back and that’s why they are on the run.

Eventually, they get caught and the Agency director (Martin Sheen) and his hitman (George C. Scott pretending to be Native American and sporting the most ridiculous-looking ponytail) attempt to befriend Charlie so they can get her to master her powers.

Writing all that out makes the film sound pretty good, but I’m afraid I have to tell you it is mostly a snore. The government plot is dull as can be, George C. Scott’s performance is just plain odd, and for a more about a girl who can start fires with her mind (and is titled Firestarter), it sure takes its time letting the girl start fires with her mind. It finally gets going in the last fifteen minutes or so and that scene is a real corker with tons of action and blazing fire action. But getting there takes a lot of effort.

Oddly enough it did make me want to read the book. The bones of the plot are good, and exactly the sort of thing King is good at writing. There is a scene in the film where Charlie and the father are picked up by an old man and taken back to his home where the man’s wife fixes them lunch. It is a perfectly fine little scene in the movie, but you just know King expanded it for multiple chapters allowing these characters to really bond and for us to get to know them. That’s the sort of thing King excels at, but that tends to get shortened down to nothing on the big screen.

Old Reviews Are New Again

I think I’ve discussed this before, but it bears repeating.

You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been (re)posting a lot of movie reviews lately. A few days ago I decided it was high time I created a master list of my movie reviews. Similar to how I have artists’ pages where you can see all the shows I’ve posted from a particular artist, I thought it would be a good idea to have a page where you can see all the movies I’ve reviewed.

I clicked on the movies category and scrolled down, page after page, until I found my first review. Then I started systematically going through each review and linking to them on my Movie Review Page. As you may recall a great many of my old reviews are still in private mode, which means no one can read them but me.

For those private posts, I’ve been doing some light editing, adding movie posters, and making them public. When I do that many of you receive an email with the post inside as if it were a new post. When in fact, many of these reviews are quite old. Some were written as far back as 2004 – that’s nearly twenty years ago.

I have changed in many ways since then. I’ve matured, my writing has matured, and my understanding of life and art has changed. Truth be told I sometimes cringe at the things I wrote back then. To tell the truth, I often feel like rewriting some of it. But I feel like that would be wrong. I don’t want to rewrite my own history.

I am doing some light editing. I try to fix my spelling and grammar mistakes. Sometimes I’ll rewrite a sentence for clarity – or just delete it altogether if I’m no longer sure exactly what I was trying to say.

But I’m keeping the embarrassing stuff in. Most of it isn’t too bad. It’s like looking at a picture of yourself from two decades ago where you look at that sweater and wonder how you ever thought that it looked good on you. Or you can’t imagine why you ever wore your hair in that style.

But sometimes it is full-on cringe. My early reviews were way too jokey. I often wrote in the way I might talk to my friends about a movie – filled with bad gags and strange asides. As a young man, I seemed to think it was all too funny to admit watching a movie for a little T&A. I’m embarrassed that I wrote about Elizabeth Hurley looking good in a tight silver skirt. But I wrote those words so I’m allowing them to stay.

It isn’t like I wrote racist screeds or went on and on about some attractive actress and got really skeevy about it. But it is embarrassing to read what I did write.

But also there are movies that I watched and reviewed many years ago and have rewatched since and completely changed my mind on. I just read my review of The Harder They Fall which I wrote in 2005. I gave it a somewhat negative review and panned Humphrey Bogart’s performance. I rewatched that movie a few months ago and really liked it. And I found Bogart’s performance to be really good. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote the review.

So, when a review pops up in your inbox and you give it a read, please do check the date it was originally published and recognize it might be the words of a younger, much sillier man. And do forgive any lapses in judgement.

Awesome ’80s in April: Night of the Comet (1984)

night of the comet poster

While working on my list of movies I wanted to watch during the Awesome ’80s in April I headed over to Letterboxd, turned on their giant list of all films, filtered out everything but movies made in the 1980s, sorted it by highest rated, and systematically made my way through the entire list. I was looking for movies I had never seen, but had always wanted to watch. Or movies I’d never heard of but that looked interesting (one of the cool things about Letterboxd is that it lets you see how your friends rated any film, and read any reviews they might have written).

Night of the Comet falls into the latter category. I’d never heard of it before, but it was rated pretty highly by people whose thoughts on movies I respect and the plot sounded interesting.

Honestly, even after all of that, I expected something much cheesier. The plot synopsis sounds like Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Night of the Living Dead at the end of the world. But what I got was something more thoughtful, and well-made than that synopsis makes you expect.

An opening salvo tells us that a huge comet will be passing by Earth for the first time in millions of years. Everybody is excited. Parties are being held outside to watch the comet pass. The whole world is outside watching. The whole world except for Reggie (Catherine Mary Stewart) and Larry (Michael Bowen). They work at a movie theater and Larry has convinced Reggie to help him rent out a reel to some guys who will illegally duplicate it. Reggie really wants to see the comet pass by, but Larry is willing to pay her a whole $15 bucks and that’s hard to turn down.

They wind up spending the night in the steel-lined projection booth. The next morning they wake up to find that the comet has turned everybody (well, almost everybody) into red dust. A few people did survive but they seem to have been turned into brain-eating zombies. Larry meets his end pretty quickly and Reggie returns home to find her sister Samantha (Kelli Maroney) is still alive. Turns out that after an argument with her mother Sam slept in the steel-lined shed.

Together, they do what any red-blooded American teenager would do after a zombie apocalypse – they head to the mall. Actually, they head to the radio station first because a DJ’s voice can be heard playing records and they figure finding another human alive would be a good thing. The DJ is actually just a recording on a tape, but they do discover Hector (Robert Beltran) at the radio station. Hector almost immediately leaves the girls as he needs to find out if his mother is still alive (he’ll come back to the movie a little later). That’s when the girls go to the mall.

There are some scientists types who survived by hiding in an underground bunker. They must now try to rebuild humanity and that begins by running tests of the few other humans who survived to see if there is a chance at finding a vaccine to counteract the effects of the cosmic rays.

Night of the Comet does a great job of blending comedy with horror and thriller elements. The Buffy mixed with Night of the Living Dead elements I mentioned at the beginning of this post are more apt than I thought. Although it is more like Dawn of the Dead since a great portion of the movie is spent inside a mall. But it is a much better film than that synopsis might indicate. It was made on a tiny budget, but they put every dollar they had to good use. It is funny and thrilling, and has a nice sense of what it’s trying to do.

Awesome ’80s in April: RoboCop (1987)

robocop poster

I sometimes say that I grew up in the 1980s but came of age in the 1990s. What I mean is that I was 13 when the ’80s became the ’90s, so my teenage years were really spent in the early ’90s. The music, movies, books – the art – that really shaped me into the man that I would come are mostly from the early 1990s. That isn’t to say the movies from the ’80s aren’t important to me – they are, absolutely. It is just a different kind of important.

I remember laying on the floor in my bedroom with my stereo speakers pointed at my ears with The Smashing Pumpkins “Gish” surrounding me. That music had a hold on me, it touched something deep inside of myself. Silence of the Lambs (1991) and Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) might not be the most intellectual, or emotionally deep films, but they are great movies and they had a profound effect on the way I appreciate cinema.

Movies from the 1980s, or at least movies I watched during the 1980s affected me in much different ways. As a kid, as a young teenager, I mainly looked for thrill rides or things that made me laugh, things that excited me. The movies that did those things in abundance have stayed with me all of these years. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) and Gremlins (1984) still flood my memory banks with nostalgic joy. But they don’t necessarily inform my understanding of Art.

I’m getting way into the weeds for what should be a review of RoboCop. But I think this type of discussion is important for me to talk about as I’m delving back into the cinema of the 1980s.

RoboCop came out in 1987. I did not see it in the theaters. My parents would have never taken me to it. But I did watch it on VHS sometime later. I don’t remember when. My guess would be sometime around when the sequel came out in 1990, but I really don’t know. One of the things I love about the ’80s is how I did get to watch so many movies at home that my parents would never have allowed me to watch in the theater. Sometimes I’d watch these types of movies at a friend’s house, sometimes my father would rent them when mom was away for the weekend. Or sometimes I just wore them down with my asking (it helped if I could convince them that the movie was rated R over violence and maybe some cussing instead of sex and nudity.)

Whenever I watched RoboCop I loved it. I thought a supercop cyborg was the coolest thing ever. I loved his multiple-round firing pistol. I loved that he had such great aim he could shoot through a lady’s dress and hit the guy who was attacking her in the crotch. I loved the big robot villain that could shoot freaking missiles. I definitely loved the guns that could blow up cars and the explosive finale.

Watching it now, I’m less impressed with the bountiful action scenes and Robocop as a character. I am interested in the satire that director Paul Verhoeven fills the film with (stuff that flew straight over my head as a kid). The movie is clearly making fun of the militarization of our police forces and military. It mocks consumer culture (the inserted commercials are terrific – especially the goofy car commercial and the placement of said car into the hands of most of the film’s characters.) It ponders a future in which we privatize the forces that are supposed to protect us and how for-profit businesses might handle such things.

Truthfully, I don’t think it does these things particularly well. Verhoeven has never been particularly subtle with his messaging. So what I’m left with is an action flick with some big messages that doesn’t handle either aspect well. It is a fun watch, but not one I can say I’m interested in seeing again anytime soon.

Totally Awesome ’80s in April

mad max 2 poster

The 1970s saw the Studio System’s destruction and independent film’s rise. The production code died in the late 1960s and the new rating system allowed for more freedom in depicting previously censored items such as sex, nudity, language, and violence. Directors raised on classic Hollywood cinema such as Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Brian DePalma, and Francis Ford Coppola, began making their own films and the New Hollywood era began.

The 1980s continued this trend, but even more so. Movies such as Jaws and Star Wars caused studios to realize movies could make more money than ever believed and the blockbuster era was created. The advent of the home video market created a boom in low-budget cinema that bypassed movie theaters altogether. Erotic Thrillers became all the rage. As did raunchy sex comedies, horror slashers, and sequels.

I grew up in the 1980s and so I have many nostalgic memories of watching movies like E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, The Goonies, and Back to the Future on the big screen. But also wandering through the video store and renting films like First Blood, and Beverly Hills Cop. It was a wonderful time to be growing up watching movies.

The decade wasn’t just for big blockbusters though, plenty of smaller, highly acclaimed films came out as well. And there were loads of movies made for adults that I missed back then. I felt all grown up watching Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenneger blow up bad guys whilst spitting out one-liners and curse words, but I had no interest in truly mature fare like Gandhi or Platoon.

I did have an interest in the low-budget films that were filling the shelves of my local video store. I ate up silly comedies, even sillier horror films, and dumb action movies that were filled with dumb jokes, bloody violence, and lots of naked boobs. Hey, I was a pubescent boy, what did you expect me to like at that age?

I thought it would be fun to spend some time this month revisiting the decade of my youth, and maybe watching some films that slipped through the cracks not only while I was living through it but that I’ve not gotten around to even as an adult.

My goal is to not watch the big blockbusters of the 1980s, but films that epitomize the decade in other ways. In the same way, I’m not really interested in watching art-house films or foreign language films from that decade either (at least not for the purposes of this month’s theme). I want movies that scream they were made in the 1980s but aren’t something I would have been interested in watching during the actual 1980s.

Sort-of. As always I’ll wind up watching things that break these rules. I already watched Robocop which was a big hit and in fact was watched by me on videocassette when it came out in 1987. But I hope to not make that type of film the main films I focus on this month.

I made a Letterboxd list full of the types of films I’d like to watch. Unlike previous lists, I didn’t stop at 30 films but allowed it to grow (and it will likely continue growing for a few more days) to a number that I’ll never be able to complete. Honestly, I never watch all the films I put onto these lists so I figured I might as well make it big and impossible so I’ll have more ideas of things to watch when I’m thinking about what I want to watch.

The Movie Journal: March 2023

night of the comet poster

I watched 41 movies in April. 34 of those were new to me. 16 of those were made before I was born. 11 were part of my theme for the month – Westerns in March.

My favorite new to me movies watched this month were The Naked Spur (1953), The Little Foxes (1941), The Banshees of Inisherin (2022), The Lodger: A Story of the London Fog (1927), Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933), Django (1966), and Night of the Comet (1984).

Stats for 2023 thus far

Number of Movies Watched: 131
Number that Were New To Me: 108
Top Actors: James Coburn (6 Films), Henry Silva (4 films), Giulio Baraghini (4 films).
Top Directors: Sam Peckinpah (6 Films), Fernando Di Leo (5 films), Howard Hawks (3 films), Quentin Tarantino (3 films), Martin Scorsese (3 films).

Here’s the full March list:

Night of the Comet (1984)
RoboCop (1987)
Death Spa (1989)
Cross of Iron (1977)
Django (1966)
Ponyo (2008)
Boston Strangler (2023)
Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933)
Every Secret Thing (2014)
Sabotage (1936)
Excalibur (1981)
Barbarian (2022)
Double Indemnity (1973)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
The Lodger: A Story of the London Fog (1927)
The Wild Bunch (1969)
Small Town Crime (2017)
The World’s End (2013)
Cheyenne Autumn (1964)
Piranha 3D (2010)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Final Destination (2000)
Little Women (1933)
The Bob’s Burgers Movie (2022)
The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)
The Retaliators (2021)
Disappearance at Clifton Hill (2019)
The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Young Guns (1988)
Night of the Zombies (1980)
Gone in the Night (2022)
Major Dundee (1965)
The Little Foxes (1941)
Stars in My Crown (1950)
The Mystery of Mr. Wong (1939)
The Big Trail (1930)
Dark Phoenix (2019)
Looker (1981)
Sleepless (2001)
The Naked Spur (1953)
The Cariboo Trail (1950)


The Friday Night Horror Movie Death Spa (1988)

death spa poster

Not to spoil anything but the theme for April is going to be Totally Awesome ’80s. I’ll have more to say about that tomorrow, but for tonight I went ahead and jumped forward a day, bypassing the end of Westerns in March. I grew up in the 1980s and so there are a ton of movies from that decade that fill me with nostalgic glee. There were also a ton of great movies that weren’t meant for kids and many others I just never saw. Still haven’t in some cases. Anyway, like I said, we’ll get to all of that tomorrow.

But for tonight I wanted to watch something that just sounds like it epitomizes the 1980s. The decade of Reagan was a boon for low-budget, ultra-violent, super cheesy, nudity-filled horror movies. It was also the decade of Jane Fonda exercise videos, Jazzercise, and so much spandex. Death Spa has all of that, and more.

It is everything I wanted it to be. I mean, a movie set in a luxury spa where the equipment comes alive and murders people. How can you not want to watch that?

That actually sums up the plot pretty well. At a posh spa in Los Angeles (aptly named Starbody Health Spa – where for the opening credits the appropriate letters get blanked out revealing the movie’s title in lights) the state-of-the-art equipment keeps malfunctioning resulting in multiple injuries and deaths. Is somebody committing sabotage for personal gain? Is there a supernatural entity bent on vengeance? The answer to both is “yes.” And it’s awesome.

The deaths are gloriously bloody and silly (one guy gets eaten by frozen zombie fish, another is burned alive in a tanning bed, and there is a blender that just won’t quit). The bodies are tanned, hard, and ensconced in spandex.

As they say, the 1980s were a different time. I’m so looking forward to digging deep into that decade. If Death Spa is just the beginning, I can’t wait to see what’s next.