I respect women. I believe women. I think women should be cherished for their intelligence, wit, kindness, for their humanity, for all the wonderful things that make them women.

I’m also a big, dumb, man. A cis-gendered, straight man at that. I have a full-blooded sexual appetite. I find women attractive.

In my younger years, I was sometimes known to watch movies just to see beautiful, famous women in various states of undress. Oh, who am I kidding I’m still sometimes known to do the same.

I say this as a way to introduce my review of Embrace of the Vampire, a very dumb mid-1990s movie in which Alyssa Milano gets nekkid. This was just a few years after her turn in Who’s the Boss and she was clearly trying to shed that clean-cut teenage image. I was in college at the time and me and my pals rented the film because…well, you can probably guess.

I’m a little embarrassed by the review now. It was very much written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. I was trying to be funny. I’m not sure how well I succeeded. I debated whether or not I should even turn the review in at the time, but I couldn’t figure another angle on the movie. It is very much remembered now because Alyssa Milano got naked. I can’t imagine anyone would know it still existed if it weren’t for that fact.

Anyway, here’s the review, please take it as it was meant to be read – as a lark, a dumb joke, an acknowledgment of my own big, dumb maleness.